Doubts (Poem by Screech)

DOUBTS

Lately I've just been scared all the time.

Trying to distract myself,

I've been on the grind.

Things that come to haunt me,

Can come to bite.

After everything I've done,

It leaves me no choice.

It's too good to be true,

For someone so messed up,

For a brain so vile,

I think I don't deserve a life.

How am I supposed to sleep,

When all I have are nightmares?

I regret, I repent,

I know what I've done.

I know I have to atone.

Nothing is justified,

I know I'm above none.

I can't breathe,

It's catastrophic.

But still I've pushed on,

When I should have been tragic.

I wish what I write,

Could say what I want to say,

Like magic.

I don't know how else to convey,

That I hate my deeds,

I resent my everyday.

I'm sorry.

I know that's not enough.

I'm trying to change,

I'm trying to send out love.

I don't know how it appears,

Through the blood, sweat, and tears,

But I hope it's crystal clear,

I'm doing everything to persevere.

I've run out of energy,

I'm all out of gas,

I've used up all my rage,

I'm left with all that's sad.

So much passion,

So much pain,

I've been living in a daze.

Spending sleepless nights,

Full of narcissistic fights.

I don't know what's right,

But I know that I'm wrong.

I used to be a light,

I used to be headstrong.

But now I've backed off,

Is this what is called moving on?

Or am I going in a circle?

A vicious, vigorous cycle.

That takes everything,

Even more harsh than I do.

I’ve said it so many times,

Even I’ve grown tired of the fact,

That I’m confused.

There’s no doubt about that.

Everyone knows what’s coming next,

Something about how I don’t know what’s happening,

Written in a wall of text.

Though,

It’s different this time,

I can tell.

I’ve spent years trying to relent.

I’m still reckless,

I’ll probably stay forever,

But I have my calculations.

Mathematics was my favorite fever.

I have so many questions, so many words,

So many games, so many people that I love.

And yet I feel something is missing.

Something I’ve been trying to find.

It’s probably so selfish,

But what would anyone do,

If they were granted a wish?

Would they judge themselves for wanting something better?

Would they give it up and write an open letter?

I’ll leave this here.

I’ll continue this some other time.

When I’ve gotten over my fear,

And I don’t have to look up words to rhyme.

Though, that time may never come,

I hope it doesn’t, writing like this is fun.

Not thinking about it too much,

Just doing it based on my gut.

Instinct my saviour, I won’t be ignoring it anymore.

I’ll keep on keeping up,

Until my brain gets sore.