Doubts (Poem by Screech)

DOUBTS

Lately I've just been scared all the time.

Trying to distract myself,

I've been on the grind.

Things that come to haunt me,

Can come to bite.

After everything I've done,

It leaves me no choice.

It's too good to be true,

For someone so messed up,

For a brain so vile,

I think I don't deserve a life.

How am I supposed to sleep,

When all I have are nightmares?

I regret, I repent,

I know what I've done.

I know I have to atone.

Nothing is justified,

I know I'm above none.

I can't breathe,

It's catastrophic.

But still I've pushed on,

When I should have been tragic.

I wish what I write,

Could say what I want to say,

Like magic.

I don't know how else to convey,

That I hate my deeds,

I resent my everyday.

I'm sorry.

I know that's not enough.

I'm trying to change,

I'm trying to send out love.

I don't know how it appears,

Through the blood, sweat, and tears,

But I hope it's crystal clear,

I'm doing everything to persevere.

I've run out of energy,

I'm all out of gas,

I've used up all my rage,

I'm left with all that's sad.

So much passion,

So much pain,

I've been living in a daze.

Spending sleepless nights,

Full of narcissistic fights.

I don't know what's right,

But I know that I'm wrong.

I used to be a light,

I used to be headstrong.

But now I've backed off,

Is this what is called moving on?

Or am I going in a circle?

A vicious, vigorous cycle.

That takes everything,

Even more harsh than I do.

I’ve said it so many times,

Even I’ve grown tired of the fact,

That I’m confused.

There’s no doubt about that.

Everyone knows what’s coming next,

Something about how I don’t know what’s happening,

Written in a wall of text.

Though,

It’s different this time,

I can tell.

I’ve spent years trying to relent.

I’m still reckless,

I’ll probably stay forever,

But I have my calculations.

Mathematics was my favorite fever.

I have so many questions, so many words,

So many games, so many people that I love.

And yet I feel something is missing.

Something I’ve been trying to find.

It’s probably so selfish,

But what would anyone do,

If they were granted a wish?

Would they judge themselves for wanting something better?

Would they give it up and write an open letter?

I’ll leave this here.

I’ll continue this some other time.

When I’ve gotten over my fear,

And I don’t have to look up words to rhyme.

Though, that time may never come,

I hope it doesn’t, writing like this is fun.

Not thinking about it too much,

Just doing it based on my gut.

Instinct my saviour, I won’t be ignoring it anymore.

I’ll keep on keeping up,

Until my brain gets sore.

Questions (Poem by Screech)

QUESTIONS

I get bored easy,

So I stir shit up.

Something new to kill the pain,

Something temporary to get me numb.

It's a bad habit,

But it's what keeps me alive.

I've reached a point,

Where dreams and reality unite.

Living out fantasies,

While my life takes a fall.

I'm reaching that point again,

I just need a fight to end it all.

To throw my pent up rage at someone,

So I've been writing again,

Because it feels like I've sunken.

I don't even know if it's true,

I've been reading too much,

I see the signs through and through.

But I don't want to rush it,

I don't want to risk anything at all.

I've been here many times before,

But it's never been so calm.

I'm scared that there might be a storm coming,

I used to revel in hurricanes,

But this time I've been dreading.

Don't want to go outside,

Don't want to take the first step.

What if it's all nothing,

Like the last three times I bet?

As always I haven't gone beyond,

Too bored, too nervous,

Too scared of the response.

So trapped in all these words,

All these expressions,

I've come to love.

I didn't even know I wanted it,

Till it came straight from god above.

So many questions,

So little time.

So many little things,

I pick up all the while.

So many moments,

So many days,

So many signs,

I've picked in your ways.

So many details,

So little thought.

So many beautiful things,

That we're not.

But we could be,

Or so I hope.

So tell me,

If you understand this,

Is this where I should stop?

Is this the finish line?

Have we already run out of time?

I still owe you those bottles of wine.

Or do you want a beer?

You’d said that you'd like that.

I just haven't gotten around to it.

I'm so careless with what I have.

Till I'm left with nothing,

Then i get back to working.

Then spend my time in writing,

While solitarily confining.

Confiding,

My darkest traits.

You've been there,

Seen my twisted fates.

I don't know if this will cause any trouble.

I like red and blue when they don't make purple.

There are things that I've probably not heard,

I have my music, it helps me when it hurts.

But we don't need voices, do we? We're absurd.

We just exchange glances,

We speak without a word.

But words we've said,

And words we've swallowed.

To certain wavelengths of the other,

We have blindly followed.

But there's a frequency,

I've heard it many a time.

It's in rhythm, it’s in tune,

It's like a harmony with a rhyme.

I've found my rage again,

Though it's not as it was before.

I get the energy from it,

But I don't build worlds anymore.

It's raw, it's brutal,

You don't seem to mind.

It's crazy, it's painful,

You seem to find it fine.

You talk just with expressions,

And I know something is messed up,

I'm here to listen.

But if I want a bit more,

Does that make me a horrible person?

You're close to ascension,

You have my faith and trust.

Tell me, do I have yours?

I'll do whatever I must,

I just,

Don't trust myself enough,

I need some help here.

The going has been rough.

Have I gotten it right?

Time travel says that I might.

So tell me,

Lager, ale or draught?

I've got nowhere to run,

Is this where I should stop?

Games (Poem by Screech)

GAMES

Oh twenty-twelve,

The year the world would end.

Probably another trend,

Bent and broken as you fell.

I sat back with my popcorn,

Had my 3D glasses.

It was like a fairytale,

Of a lass from ye old classics.

Oh, you can have your games.

Oh, you can play.

But one thing you didn't know,

I am a jack of all trades.

You sure had your fun,

I don't even know what you're up to now.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I'll finish with this set,

And serve it up on a platter.

Let's start at the beginning.

When you were so used to winning

Got in the middle row,

You made a killing,

Interrupting everyday of my living.

“You're alive! You're breathing!

Hey! You're easily believing!

I hope you don't mind,

I'll say that I care,

I'll pretend,

But to be honest,

I just want this dude,

Who happens to be your friend!”

Gosh! Zoinks! Jinkies!

Jeepers creepers!

“Beware brother!

There's a woman,

And she ain't a keeper!”

There was definitely something sinister.

Being the meddling kid I am,

I just had to insist on,

Caution, precaution, and everything safe.

You were someone who jumped straight to third base.

You did too!

You made him fall,

Hook line and sinker.

Easy for you,

He wasn't much of a thinker.

He didn't observe,

The blatant nonchalance.

He just played along,

Like every musician at the dance.

I told him, I warned him,

Sad that he just heard.

While you were busy setting me up,

With an artist, and a mistress.

Yeah, the mistress of words.

Hell, that's scarred me for life now,

Thanks, I guess.

Words, stars, birds, shrinks,

All jumbled up in a mess.

Whatever, part of it is my fault,

I should've played these riddles then,

But I'm playing them now.

Maybe I'll never move on.

Seven months down the line,

Through jams, and treks, and hikes.

I broke through to his open mind,

Showed him the path that you were hoping to find.

“Oh, I know all about all that, brother.

But I'm in too deep, so is she.

Now we need each other.

We've gone beyond something either of us has known,

So we're just carrying on.

I hope I help her find what she's looking for.”

He's Mr.Architect now,

Back then he was still a pupil.

He told me all about the ways that you steal from people.

You stole from him,

You stole from me.

But I kept score,

You owe me this and so much more.

He told me,

If I ever asked you,

You'd kick me out,

Hell, that's where I wanted to go,

That's what it was all about.

You made my life a living hell,

All my friends were too sweet to say.

To you maybe,

But to me they said,

Everything that I'd already known.

“You're stuck in a bad place, dude.

Get out while you still can,

There's got to be something you can do.”

Oh, you thought I was crooked?

Well hell, I was already broken.

Obviously you didn't see it coming,

I saw you scrambling for a solution.

I saw every gear turn in your head,

Thinking of every way,

To have and eat your cake,

But all you could see was red.

I was a threat,

Something you never catered.

And you didn't see it unfold,

Right next to you in that theater.

Knew me so well,

But yet not enough.

Little Miss Polyester,

Never met a match so tough.

Came over to my house,

I didn't think that you would.

I was caught off guard,

I'll admit, that was good.

Bet you thought I'd collapse,

Under the pressure you put up with that trap,

It was utter crap.

My level of control is off the map.

You really thought I was crooked?

You even tried to rewrite the words.

All you did was break a curse,

My plan was beautiful,

It worked wonders,

Though sometimes it still hurts.

But guess what, honey,

You can't match my cunning.

I don't care about me,

I can self-destruct and still end up winning.

Not something you're used to,

I could tell by the way you ran.

Two years down the line,

You still couldn't look me in the eyes.

Good riddance,

Thanks for everything,

You got me thinking.

Somehow that helped me be who I am.

Not that I'm proud,

But I can raise hell at anytime.

I hope you're not pulling this shit anywhere else,

Trust me, you don't want to.

There's many like me out there,

Though I doubt they can take my place.

So here I still am,

Running blind, flying free,

Away from the mundane,

Aloof from the wannabes,

And if you ever want a rematch,

You know exactly where to find me.